is anyone else scared of commitment?

the idea of holding onto something for more than a day stresses me out.

Photo by Bryson Hammer on Unsplash

I’ve been a Christian most of my life. Attending church every Sunday was basically second nature. Alongside this, I would volunteer in the worship team, either through singing playing keyboard. All these things felt normal, and fun to younger me.

Until I noticed things. People using the faith to be discriminatory to other individuals. Toxic churches that wanted me to give more than I had available. Sermons that made no sense when I thought about them for a minute. And with all of that, I had to deal with Christians not being able to agree on basic elements of the faith.

It was all very overwhelming. I had somehow managed to avoid 2 cults in the faith, and pretty much gave up on mega churches last year after poor treatment. I realised the people there, cared more for looking like they were doing good, than actually being a good person.

Navigating life outside of the faith

Things have changed a lot since then. I still believe in God, but I don’t support organised religion. Nor do I feel that the Christian community is effective in making the world a better place. If anything, Christianity feels more like a prison than liberation. Which is ironic, given their message of freedom with Christ.

My TikTok feed is full of people, like me, who were indoctrinated into the faith as children. As they got older, they realised they wanted nothing to do with it and left. Mostly for the same reasons I mentioned earlier.

Leaving the faith is one of the hardest things to do. I had to let go of a lot of people, connections and a sense of community. It felt incredibly isolating at first. Unfortunately, that feeling doesn’t go away later on. But I can say, I feel a lot more at peace and a lot less worried about the rapture happening or about ending up in Hell.

Commitment is difficult

The challenge I’ve had since leaving is relatively understandable. Commitment is defined as a firm decision to something that requires a lot of energy and resources. Commitment helps with building character and understanding ourselves.

Being part of the faith was my main form of commitment. It was also, the only form of commitment that I recognised at the time. Committing to a God for the rest of my life, was daunting. I didn’t think it was viable then, and nowadays I adopt a loose definition of commitment.

It’s only logical that by leaving the organised element of Christianity, I let go of my original view of commitment. Which sounds fine, as that can be easily redefined. The problem is, I struggle to commit to anything else, in the fears that it will become something I idolise and lose myself in. I’m too scared to choose a pathway that could end up being “wrong”.

Photo by Judith Chambers on Unsplash

It’s hard to redefine commitment when your primary experience of it, has been negative. The idea of holding onto something for too long, seems so scary that you don’t want to hold onto anything at all. You let everything drop, in the hopes that you won’t get disappointed if you expect nothing to begin with.

It felt safe to begin with. If a friend let me down, I didn’t feel bothered because I was already one step out of the friendship. If I didn’t get a job, it didn’t matter because I didn’t expect to get it anyways. If I upset someone, I didn’t care because I expected them to leave from my act of betrayal.

It almost felt like I took the “Let Them” theory and applied it on steroids. But the problem with this is, I do care. I care if people leave me. I care if I don’t get opportunities. I care if I upset other people. Pretending that I don’t, feels comforting in the short term, but it also meant that I couldn’t build anything meaningful.

If everything will end, why begin? Beginning isn’t to get to the ending. It’s to embark on the journey of becoming. Becoming is the only thing that doesn’t end.

My identity nowadays is so wishy-washy. I feel I’m redefining who I am but trying to also carve a path that I 100% agree with. But I don’t think I’ll ever have full confidence in something. At least, not enough to commit to it the same way that I committed to the faith.

But one thing I remind myself is, if I had the strength to leave the faith when it wasn’t serving me, I have the strength to let go. Commitment isn’t forever. If something works for a day, and then it doesn’t work, it’s not a lack of commitment. It’s more information, which is always a win.

I love the side of myself that into productivity, self-improvement and building a multidisciplinary career leveraging the real world and the internet. I can also acknowledge the elements of that where I don’t align, such as hustle culture, and losing sight of now for a future that isn’t promised.

I’m allowed to want things that don’t fit into society’s norms.

On navigating commitment going forward

I’m learning to adopt commitment from a lens of staying true to what serves me today. Instead of viewing commitment from a place of longevity, I’m viewing it from a place of intentionality.

I started doing stretches during the day, to help with my joints. Sometimes I don’t do the stretches properly, and sometimes I only do one stretch. But I always remind myself, that it’s better I attempt to do stretches in any form, over waiting until I can do stretches perfectly. Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.

Ultimately, commitment is scary. It’s always going to feel challenging in some form. Whether you’re anxious about committing for too long, or anxious about committing at all, every modality is scary. The best thing you can do, is choose what brings you closer to what you want, today.

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I started thinking of habits in this way as well. Instead of thinking about a habit I have to do every day, I think about it as a thing I need to do today. And then the next day, becomes today. It helps me chill out about committing to habits and focus on what I can control now.